Sins realised he had two sides of himself, two separate beings, two conscious voices within his ever evolving mind. He was mortally afraid of one side, since it strived to create an impulsive side of him hell bent on self-destruction, right from subjecting his body to every kind of intoxication possible and goading him constantly to inflict harm on his fellow beings for pleasure.
Sins wanted to do nothing in his life. His most self-expressive thought straight out of his heart was exactly this: He did not want to do anything, and he wondered if this thought was arising out of his drunkenness or the soul, which he did not feel or understand about anyway, but sounded nice to talk about.
He wanted to do nothing.
Sins did have another side to him. The self-constructive side. It was this side which sought to maintain some sort of semblance and order, while acting as a buffer between his impulsive side and itself. For days on end, with its help, he would try to kill himself through exercise, content to keep pushing his body physically until he puked of over exertion, not that it ever happened, though he wished it would. Those would be the days he hated himself, trying to understand himself in terms of his motivations and desires, and wondering if there was even a thing called ‘your divine calling’, and finding none whatsoever over a period of months, though he was ready to introspect for years on end, if need be. It seemed as if he was in search of some divine mystery hidden in plain sight from everybody, only ready to oblige a select few who were able to find that elusive characteric through putting themselves through some situations which could be best described as a mixture of ‘iterative development’ and doggedness.
Still, inspite of reading a lot of material, about the organizations and individuals themselves, about their success stories, self-help books scoured for hours, he saw a few key patterns of unconscious habit forming and the miracles of waking up early to work, shine clearly, and he couldn’t help wondering how easy they sounded to do so. It seemed to Sins as if every resource and every advice was waiting for him out there, eager to help him on his journey to build his brand. He wanted a level of progress and productivity that would be unmatched anywhere in the world, for the simple reason that he thought about it a lot, his every waking hour, keen to harness the power of mental visualizations and eager to make all his dreams come true. Then, afterward he would be ready to toast himself on marijuana and beer, to have the good times he loved.
Lying on his bed, afterwards, Sins wished he could do nothing and still enjoy the fruits that life had to offer.