He didn’t like how he was feeling. Not one bit. He wanted to run away from the city and not be accountable to anything or anyone. Sins was looking out of his window beside his work table, day dreaming about his life, about how it was and how he hoped to change it, and the intricate relationship between his desires and scale of ambition. He knew he had to be patient, but was also aware of the fact that he needed a master plan, and dip his toes into many endeavors to strike it big. He wanted crystal clear clarity about what he needed to do in order to make an impact and earn money.
He decided to rid his body of all intoxicants.
Fat chance, as long as occasions like birthdays or opportunities for recreation came along, his peer circle, both personal and professional, had a habit of indulging in common vices like tobacco, marijuana and alcohol, which Sins was fond of as well, but growing increasing tired of doing so. He debated why that was so, and came to the conclusion that it was his mind’s thoughts of productivity, from physical and mental point of view that was creating a feeling of fatigue in his body, due to repeated intoxication. He decided he was going all in or nothing. He would choose discipline and focus, and endure a brief period of restlessness where his body would try its best to get him off track, off discipline and off focus, but he would endure. He would strive to.
His thoughts kept going back to Starr and he wished he wouldn’t because he had had no choice in the matter. He had to break it off and had done so, with such a heavy heart that he hadn’t even been able to look into her eyes and tell so. His cowardly instinct took over and he had written a letter, telling her why he wasn’t ready to start a family with her, and why he had to wait to get a few comforts in life. He hoped she would wait for him, wait for him to achieve a decent level of stability in his professional life. Chiding himself for being selfish, Sins hoped she wouldn’t wait and move on, because, after all, she was the special one, the one who had endured so much, since her childhood, in her teens, all the way till her adulthood, that she deserved nothing less than a to be queen. She didn’t deserve to wait. She was special, she would chart her own path and come out of it, blazing with glory, only she would do so without him. Tears welled up in his eyes again, and he shrugged it off as quickly as possible.
He hated how he couldn’t talk to her when his chips would be down. Ever since he had met her, he had felt for the first time in his life, that he was living not just for the sake of living, but that his existence meant something to someone, her. He felt valued, cared for and in return he had only given her disappointment, sorrow and possibly hate. He hoped she would understand. He hoped she would keep a small memory of his intact.
Especially since they hadn’t taken a picture of themselves together.