The familiar sense of overwhelm overwhelmed him. He was procrastinating again and didn’t like it one bit. He felt powerless, like a small snail swimming against a gigantic upstream, fated to lose but conditioned to put in some last ditch effort to save face before the inevitable loss. Sins had the feeling again, the feeling that he was not in control of his life, his dreams, his hopes. He was so used to seeing opportunities pass him by, for the lack of not trying or initiating enough with the right people that he was blind to it by now, numbly, vaguely living in the hope of that one big lucky break from someone, somewhere.
Sins knew it would never happen, no matter how merciful or indulgent fate or the power which controlled fate and destiny, was. What he needed was a game changer. A single stroke of action or an event, that would catapult him into over-achievement and ultra-productivity. He wanted to change! He wanted discipline in his life, some calming effect on his body and mind. He did not like what he was currently subjecting his body to, a rage of intoxicants that he no longer liked, but somehow craved, for its mind altering capability, and his bodily needs of dopamine. No longer did he like being part of a group where intoxicated conversations would be awash with ulterior motives and external facades, bearing no impact on reality and progress. Sins wanted to change his lifestyle so desperately that he wanted to cry about it. He needed to act, and act now. He wondered if such feelings of dread, weakness and bodily harm were the normal part of adulthood, whether his body was becoming weak, or even whether he had lost touch of a part of his soul.
His head throbbed all of a sudden, as if a mother nerve would explode and blow his existence to smithereens., like he deserved completely, bitterly he knew he did so, no matter how much his heart would refute so, straining to console him that he still retained some sort of semblance in his life, as it looked upon towards the future in bright radiant hope, eager to belong and create value.
Sins had a glaring feedback to account for. He had been told by many individuals that he didn’t open himself up to people often, always preferring to be the silent one, the person who has no opinions and is content to be on the sidelines. What bothered Sins was the impression he was conveying when people judged him for the first time. Were they positive or negative or moderate? Sins was sure it bordered on mostly being negative or even hostile. Sins needed to have more open hearted conversations with people and he knew so, he just needed practice. He was fine.