It wasn’t that he didn’t feel anything at all.
He tried to think about what was transpiring between him and her, and the signs were not encouraging. In fact, he felt his internal antennae go down from time to down, like a rag of cloth being swept away by the wind, its frayed edges seemingly resembling his propensity to give in to his deepest thoughts from time to time, thoughts that ranged from intense desire, a result of the tricks his mind played on him about her, to watching his self immolate itself in front of a stunned audience only to run at them wildly, screaming, while unaffected by the heat within.
It was just that. That it didn’t…matter.
Because nothing did. As precarious as things always seemed to be, fundamentally, in the vast history of personal evolution, things were just..things. Just imaginary orders of groups, groups of corporations, communities and families bonded by blood or thought, coming together to achieve a common purpose, supposedly due to belief and desire, just vagaries of the mind, under the control of an unknown force. Just a force, a force that was literally named a force simply because its assumed to be a force, when actually no one knew why anyone was doing what they were doing, like puppets dancing under the instructions of this force, which could be anything for all anyone knew, from a computer simulation system to a speck of imagination in some others’ head. Scary.
It was difficult to pretend life was just about new things when thoughts like these constantly surfaced every seconds, right from the seconds being spent waiting for the machine to dispense coffee to watching her walk past him, without a hint of awareness of his presence, deliberate or not.
He wanted to know what to think.
Was it possible that if he listed down what exactly to think everyday, would the outcomes in his life transpire according to those thoughts? Could he rein in his mind and train it to think only a set of twenty thoughts everyday? One of his thoughts revolved around convincing himself about the veracity of some people’s thoughts, whose claims of progress rested on their audacity to discourage and put others down, a short-term way of ensuring one’s own movement along the social hierarchy, again an imaginary construct borne out of blind and oblivious people to the obvious fact that it didn’t…matter. Nothing did. On the grander scale of evolution, it didn’t, unless the objective involved inter-galactic colonization or eternal youth, in which case the path to an extension of enlivening one’s mind towards infinite ecstasy and pleasure deserved every shot at.
His eyes were drooping.
Her image flashed across his eye, and a second later, he was fine.
He knew what to think. Would it transpire? He couldn’t wait to see.