What Is It About Her?

“I love, love the way that you talk, it seems like Adele, Do Re singing to me”, he kept humming, and humming, as he walked, and trudged wearily towards home, across the desolate streets, where streetlights flickered every few seconds, as if in tune with his feelings, that chimed with her image with each step that he took.

“Darling, its you. You, when you’re talking to me. Me, when I’m not by your side, I can barely breathe”, his hum cracked as his voice trailed off towards the end, her face flashing across his mind every second, their conversations reverberating across his ears, as if she were beside him, at this very moment, keeping him company at this hour, exactly twenty seven minutes past three in the morning.

“I’ll love you the way that your mother does. Protect you the way that your father has, its so easy. Just choose me…please”, his voice broke, but his heart hadn’t…still. So much for his monologues about humans not being able to control their emotions. She had taken his heart, scooped it up, and brought all his statements about feelings and emotions being irrational, crashing down to bare earth, as if intent to teach him to open up..completely, and he had. He had spilled himself out to her, but it wasn’t enough..for now.

He just couldn’t understand himself.

What was it about her? It wasn’t a routine crush. It was about..everything. Mountains, oceans, hills and cliffs flashed, miraculously reshaped themselves into her, smiled, first, in love, then mocking laughter, and lashed itself onto him, spewing torrents of rain, hail, stones and everything in between, moving his very foundation, as if hurling his body, and crashing it against massive ocean-facing rocks, his remains dissolving in the salty water and re-emerging anew on another world, another time, where she, omnipresent as ever, would be awaiting him, with open arms, with an open..heart.

He just couldn’t understand himself.

Sanity no longer made sense to him. What was the purpose of living if everything one desired, borne out not from free will, but from..chance? Was it possible that, everything one thought about, earnestly, with complete faith and acted on it…happened? Was it just abut belief? Or was it just about pure, mechanical grind, persevering against everything that happened by chance, and emerge with joy or happiness? Why was it that, everytime, no matter how hard he tried, he ended up thinking about..her? Did it happen to her as well? He knew sometimes it did, or he thought he did, especially since he had written a letter..for her, a sweet, nonchalant description about him, that she had said, she would hold on to. Had she? Or was it lying in a dusty corner somewhere, forgotten, only to emerge decades later, or something to be laughed at while being drunk?

He just couldn’t understand himself.

A stray dog was following him, as if sensing he needed company at this hour, keen to change the direction of thought that he found himself absorbed in, not that it mattered, because he thought about it all the time, even when he was with..her, looking into her eyes, following its gaze with each word that she spoke, lost in its crevices, like a star-gazer looking up at the skies in wonder, passionately trying to unravel the force that held everything together, like herself. The dog was beside him now, trying to catch his attention, as if intent to pass him an urgent message about what lay ahead on his path. He stopped, patted it lovingly, imagining its eyes to be her’s, and its fur, surprisingly soft for a stray, her hair. The dog looked back into his eyes like a..lover, closing its eyes with each pat on its head, as if longing for such care since days, having only seen humans who seemed to lack the compassion towards all their fellow living beings, humans included.

A car was approaching, an SUV by the looks of it. As it came near, slowing down as its headlights beamed upon the two living beings on the narrow stretch of road, he recognized that it was a woman who was driving it. A woman with bright blue hair. He had never seen a woman with bright blue hair. For a moment, he thought he was dreaming. But he wasn’t. The woman waved at them, smiling, before she sped away into the darkness. The dog left as well. He was on his own once again, as he had been a few minutes before, only his thoughts about her for company.

He just couldn’t understand himself.

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