Start Again, Start Again

The sun rays gave him goosebumps. He could hear the rays call out that it had been well more than a month. Exactly why, he did not know, because he was not interested in thinking at that moment. In fact, thinking was all he did, all the time. Many things bothered him everyday. Too many things were taking place all across the world. There were many systems, all human imagined, from capitalism and democracy to socialism and financial engineering. Each coalescing with the other to shape the individual on a personal and collective level. Sometimes he felt he could not understand what was going on.

Until, eventually he started to understand.

He started understanding how imagined realities were stronger than actual realities on many levels. He started understanding how on one hand. there was objective reality like natural phenomena consisting of carbon based compounds and bonds; and how on the other, there were human emotions and feelings explained away by the intersection of biology and chemistry. He started understanding the nature of political power. He even understood the government. He understood why they did what they did.

On a person to person level, he had tried to understand, and had largely come away with a sense of why he did what he did; it was mostly the same thought patterns everyday. When he had free time, he usually thought about the things that brought him pleasure, like women, sex, food, drink, video content and news. He would try his level best, not to think about certain incidents that involved people who he longer spoke to on a weekly basis, but they would find themselves in his thought patterns, even when he did not want them to.

He could not understand the concept of friendship anymore. He had fractious relationships with other people since he had not put enough effort into being vulnerable and making friendships based on social bonding, thinking as if intellectual strength ought to be the be all and end all of all relationships. He had realized it was not so, after being told off by a person ‘to be human’, someone whom he had met through a dating app, someone with whom he had tried to build a bond, but had generously failed to do so.

There was a gnawing sense of being left behind, off something he couldn’t understand completely or rather he could not find the words to do so. During other times, he just felt like blazing away and whiling it all on seeking as much pleasure as possible. Other times, he constantly tried to motivate himself towards good habits like exercise, so that he didn’t sink himself into a comfortable abyss, when the fact was that like everybody, he wanted to make a lot of money. Thoughts like ‘money is the root of evil’ would not make an impact on him because such thoughts sounded wrong to him.

He knew he had to keep the faith and not stop trying.

A few days of debauchery and evil thoughts would not keep him from coming back towards the light and the good, to work smartly for the long-term instead of whiling everything on short-term pleasure. He had to come back. He had to start exercising in the morning again and build a good body. He had to be abreast of the current affairs and connect one thing to the other to understand the full picture. He had to understand capitalism, liberalism and democracy, especially their shortcomings. He had to understand how the financial system worked. He had to understand ‘technology’ and the rest.

He was going to start again.

2 thoughts on “Start Again, Start Again

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