As I trip hard writing this; it is prudent to mention that there lies a deep, deep angst buried within me; in the deepest recesses of my brain; where many ugly things lie in wait and reach the surface of my thoughts from time to time – hate and lust to name the two main emotions as of now. I’ve struggled with hate and lust for almost two decades (I am 26 years old); yet I think I have diagnosed it only in the last week, when I was tripping and meditating about the life I have lived so far. Meditation here – does not mean being a part of any spiritual cult, and neither do I profess to say I am a regular meditator – far from it. I’ve only ever attended two 10 day Vipassana meditation retreats at the outskirts of Bangalore, and my practice isn’t regular.
I’ve always been curious about many things and have not shied away from listening to thoughts, opinions and concepts that I am not familiar with or differ from my own. This has helped me understand the ways and means of our world today; its people and its systems that come to define our health and wealth, by pitting us against or with each other in a larger social-cultural-economic system that seeks the ‘greatest good for the greatest possible‘ rather than the ‘greatest good for all’. For far too long, I kept having a weird sense of ‘disconnect’, as if there is always something missing – it could be in my personal relationships or my imagined social status that we use from time to time to ‘evaluate where we stand in life’ – a boring exercise yet an important and enjoyable one for the select few who understand its significance.
There is no good; no bad; there are no labels anymore. Only wants, needs and desires. All the religious scriptures, the great men and women from the ages gone by have said the same things over and over and over again – do good, be good, think good, act good, don’t kill, be happy, don’t lie, abstain from excessive pleasure. control your emotions, etc; leaving the rest to figure out how to do all these. I don’t think there is any need to figure things out any more. The reality is in front of us. Yes its wrapped up in many layers and one needs to focus and pay attention in order to understand who’s in charge of whom and who’s doing what for whom. Again and again, I run into this same thing: who is in charge? Who is deciding or dictating the fates of millions? Is free will and individual liberty even possible for millions who lack basic critical thinking and are hopelessly dependent on others?
I have always been surprised when people make weird comments on this website after finding out how outspoken I am about the use of cannabis for recreational, medicinal, spiritual and practical purposes. As far as I am concerned, this is to be expected, therefore why my surprise you may ask? I feel surprised because; this fact lends additional weightage to whatever I say next. For example: a majority of the people; both cannabis users and non-users who come to this site assume that I am a person who is obviously getting high and writing down funny stuff that could possibly have no meaning whatsoever for them in the real world other than telling them how to get high. Everything that’s written on this site is unconsciously assumed to be a front for the recreational use and short-term pleasure of getting high. This sucks because this is such an immature view, though I have made my peace with it.
The more I speak to people, the more I sense the missing element of clarity; as if this process of figuring out one’s life always comes to the same few things – earning money and seeking pleasure wherever and whenever possible – online or offline. Hardly anyone wants to talk about the details; hardly anyone wants to go deep and immerse themselves into really understanding how the world works; everyone is content to sit in the dark and pretend everything is already known to them rather than being a tad humble and have a decent, intellectual conversation. All I want is to be productive and healthy; and this sounds so easy to do. Yet; an overload of information and distractions seek to keep me where I am. I can feel my own brain attempt to self-sabotage my endeavor towards doing productive activities. This is a wonderful trip.